Blanca
When we have conversations around sexuality, I usually come out to them and I'll share that piece of myself with them. And I think because their idea of someone who's queer in their in their eyes, isn't someone who's femme right? Or is it who doesn't present as femme? And also once I tell them, that I'll follow up with have you ever met someone else who's Latinx who's also queer? And most of them say no, right? And so for most of these students is the first thing they probably do know someone, I mean, that presents that come out, or they don't have the sense of like safety to tell them or share that with them or have this like, very casual conversation around sexuality. I'm probably one of the first people that is very open about being queer and, and, you know, being Latinx and being from their community. And I let them ask me, like, all the questions that they like, just because they, you know, for me growing up, I didn't have someone like, I mean, I knew that there was gay people, like, you know, like queer people, they're trans people, but I never knew anyone close to me that was like, Latinx and also had that identity, right. They're always like, oh, el joto de allá o el joto de acá, o la marimacha, you know, they're always looking in those ways, like, really negatively. As though they were living in a different world, you know, that wasn't in mine. And so I want to say in the work that I do, I feel like it's I'm able to kind of bridge that gap with my students and create a safe space for them to feel kind of awkward, you know first of all, I can see that they may be like, awkward or uncomfortable about it, especially when we watch like videos around very like gender queer Latinx people, but I let them know like, hey, like, it's okay to feel uncomfortable or awkward because maybe you don't ever get to have or experience this conversation. And when you want to, like decolonize, or unlearn oppressive things, it's uncomfortable because it's change. So I let them know like, your your, like, your feelings are valid. If you'll feel uncomfortable, that's totally valid. My parents aren't fanatics like the family and like the way that grew up around Catholicism wasn't in this fanatical sense, there is always this room to to maybe question it or you know, feel unsure about it. But it was I think my parents did it so that we felt in some ways grounded in some kind of spirituality. My parents' response to that is, mija, like as long as you believe in something higher than yourself, right? That you feel connected to something else, whether that's nature or your plants or something or animals like that, that makes us feel like that is loved, you know, that makes us really happy.
Andrea
My name is Andrea Elena Tellez and I was born actually in North Hollywood. Grew up for a while in East LA. And with my parents, I'm really, really close with my mom, every, I feel like every year I get closer and closer to her in a new way. And I see myself more in her as I get older, but also my dad, my father, my biological father, we're like, in the process of like rekindling our relationship. And we're like getting to know each other as two adults, as opposed to me just being his daughter, who he can push around or whatever, you know, there's more of a connection there. That's been kind of cool.
Culturally speaking and growing up, we didn't have a lot of traditional practices in my family. In fact, it felt really, I felt really far removed a lot of the time, but I've always, like, wanted that connection. And so my grandparents died when I was really young. And so I never really got to have like a really strong connection with them to where we would understand each other as adults. You know, I was I was really young, and I didn't speak any Spanish at all, as a kid I did when I was born, but then parents split that kind of went away. So I constantly feel like I'm, I'm trying to gather my roots finding a balance between who I was growing up, but also who my ancestors are, because I feel like if I don't do that work, it's, it's gonna be lost.
That's always been a part of my life. But it got a lot stronger when I came to Portland, because I was sort of pushed into this, this identity this like, person of color, in California like, everybody else is Mexican, too, or like there's something else but it's not as predominantly white as Portland is. It became something that was a question to the forefront in my life. But for me, it actually created this, this interesting struggle that I've had over the last several years, where it's, it's hard for me to openly express myself, because of all of the pressure that's been put on being Mexican American. My Spanish isn't where I would want it to be. It's really hard for me to speak openly in front of people for fear of like messing up or for fear of being judged by like other Latinos, or like being judged by all the white folks who have, like, you know, their families had the money to send them wherever they want, you know. And so like, “oh, when I was in Mexico, when I was in Mexico”, like cool for you, dude. It’s not my experience,
I do kind of sometimes have a sort of like, this impostor feeling where I don't really quite belong, you know. We talk about being a pocha, like, I'm pretty hardcore, and like, like, that's me, you know? And it's, it's something that I obviously, like, were to gain power over. And I don't want it to be something that's holding me down, and I embrace who I am. But I'm also still, I still have these struggles of finding my roots and gathering them. And I feel like there's this whole generation of us who are kind of like, walking blindly through the world trying to figure out exactly like where we belong, or like, what to call ourselves, you know.
A lot of like, the the traditions that I've, I've, like, begun from my own self and a lot of the history that I've learned about, it's like, through books, and it's like, through the internet, you know, I don’t have my abuelos. to ask questions to. I’ve come across a lot of other people who are in a similar boat. It’s comforting knowing that I'm not the only one in this position. But it's also encourages me to like, keep, keep doing, like the work that I'm doing, because I don't want to just like conform and assimilate or just give up my investigations about what my roots are, what they look like.
Actually I feel as though it was my queerness that saved me in a way like my queerness at least breaks me apart from one of the elements that's always felt really oppressive that I don't quite fit into. I've found myself having to navigate ways to teach my family a lot about the cultures that I'm a part of, that are very far away from the lives that they lead, especially my queerness. It's been a really interesting experience, trying to learn the language and also like navigating the language, the generational differences, whether they're my younger siblings, or my older siblings, or my parents and finding a way to balance out okay, like, this is who I am, I'm also not trying to change you, I'm also still the same person, you know. Like coming out as queer was a really, really big deal and my family and it kind of shook their entire foundation for a lot of different reasons, not just the fact that I was queer but there were all these other elements that tied into like my coming out,
I've always been an outsider and are probably always will be somewhat of an outsider in my family, but I've also come to terms with that. And I also feel as though that puts me in a position of more control over my own self because for most of my life, I mean, I didn't come on until I was 25 to my family anyways. Everybody else knew I was queer. But it took that long to sort of break away from that like hold that they had on me too. To try to just conform and fit into their family perfect family box as much as it's like separated me from from them in the beginning. It's also allowed me to have more freedom to be myself and to express myself.
Reynoso: Me llamo Carlos Reynoso, I am he/him pronouns. I am working on a project right now that archives and tells stories of cruising bathhouses and sex clubs in the West Coast. And I'm really interested in the arcades and Hawks here in Portland. So I've been developing a project on that. I'm also a grad student at PSU. I'm in my second year, and I've worked in HIV fields for about over a decade. I'm queer, I'm an immigrant. I was born in Baja, California, Mexico, grew up in Los Angeles, moved up to Portland in 2015. Where I met Carlos, we worked at CAP together. So I've done a lot of work with within the HIV, got into the HIV field through my mom, she did a lot of work in Los Angeles, Planned Parenthood, in the 90s. That's kind of how I got into the work. Yeah.
Negrete: Well I'm Carlos, also, Negrete, Latino, he/him, they/them. I'm queer. And I work in public health. That's also how I met Carlos. And I'm from Guerrero, Acapulco. And, yeah, that's a little bit of me.
Benjamin: I’m Ben Hoff, faerie identified. And so my faerie name is Little Bear, you can call me Ben or Little Bear, either/or. I am cis male, male identified he/him. But I consider myself queer if we're having that conversation, it's like I can be gay, queer... queer seems to hit home best for me? I definitely identify as white but I'm part of Asian as well. But most people don't recognize that until I tell them. So I definitely pass as a white person. I am a trained acupuncturist and practice Chinese medicine, but I just recently got into construction. So construction is my main job these days and kind of how I identify my work. Yeah, so I'm excited to be here and talking about everything we're going to be talking about.
Negrete: Just dealing with it yourself and like exploring your sexuality it's just like, what do you do first, like, process this like, thing going on with your family? Sex and identity, like, I, I hate masc, like, I don't hate, like, I have a problem with masc people. Because like, it's triggering, it's like, it's a little scary sometimes. And I'm trying to explore more of my femme energy. And like, I have like high boots, and I wear high heels sometimes. And I wear them to work sometimes. But like, when I walk to spaces, I'm like, are people looking at me? What are they like, what's happening? And I need to remind myself, like, I'm just trying to be myself and I'm trying to explore these things. And I need to just say, fuck what people are thinking, if I want to wear high heels tonight, I'm gonna do it. And I need to just like, if I really want to do I need to own it, and not second guess myself because it fucks with me. So.
Benjamin: The gym, the gym is so so I have a love hate relationship with the gym. Not related to working out. Like some, before,... Before living in Portland I lived in Eugene for a while and there was a YMCA there and it was amazing. They had a gym and basketball courts and tennis courts and a pool. And no, it was like family oriented. So the locker rooms were just like, people weren't worried about like, oh, some... someone's gay they're gonna be looking. People just would get naked and get showered and dressed. When I moved up here. I feel like 24 hour and LA kind of have the dominant ownership, monopoly on gyms for the most part. But there wasn't a YMCA and so going to these gyms I feel like there is this scared-ness in the locker room like people like so many guys like they wear their towels, and then they'll like put their underwear up like through their towels and there isn't this openness. I like this, like openness just to be yourself. And it's like, alright, if somebody does check you out, who cares? Who cares? We're just all being guys here. And so yeah, so I go to these gyms and so I find myself that I haven't been able to stand up to the challenge and really own my space and my energy I find myself conforming to that energy of you know, just, you know, don't smile, like don't look each other into the, in each other's eyes kind of...
Reynoso: Terrified to make eye contact.
Benjamin: Right, exactly. Oh, they're gonna think I'm coming on to them.
Reynoso: Yeah.
Benjamin: But so that's like, the hate part but then the love part, there are a lot of hot guys too. Yeah.
Negrete: It's funny like, you saying, like putting your towel and all that I like I do that, but I do it because like, like body like, itself like I'm like I'm trying to work to feel comfortable in my own body and like queer communities, so like, you have to be fit and like not I feel like more cis gay men like going back to like their masculinity, like you have to be fit. And like, I'm not so I'm like trying to like, hide myself and like trying not to, like, do that. But like, when I'm at the bathhouse I'm like, I'm naked and like walking around. It's like, I feel more of a body positivity there than when I'm in a locker room. Or at the gym, I feel so targeted of like, how fit are you? Or like, you know, and that's probably not what they're thinking, but it's in my head. And I, that's why put in the towel and I'm like, I'm a little ____
Reynoso: Ay no tienes..., no tienes.
Negrete: I do.
Reynoso: When I was in my 20s I went to Japan and I went to their, the onsen like, they're like the bathhouse, like it's like, I mean, it's like it's not a bath, like a gay bathhouse. It's just like a go there. It's a public bath. You know, and it's my first time ever, you know, experiencing that. And it was like, it was really amazing. Like, you go in there and it's, it's like culturally, it was, like different. Like, like, there's kids, there's grandparents, there's like, it was it was the first time in my life where I saw men be intimate with each other that weren't having sex, you know? Because I mean, that's one thing between me and my dad, like, I mean, our intimacy is weird, you know, it's just the culture, it's just the way it is, you know, like, I hug him and I want to hug my dad, but he doesn't know how and it's not his fault. Right. So like, I went to this onsen, and I saw like, two men like bathe each other.
Negrete: Yeah.
Reynoso: And it made me uncomfortable at first. You know, like, they were naked. And like, they were like cleaning each other. And like then he went over and was washing the little boy. And it was like just men being men, and they were comfortable, everybody was naked. And it wasn't sexual. It was just like intimacy. And it kind of hit me, I was like, Wow, that's really beautiful with anybody that's just like Japanese culture, like in that setting. Like, I've never seen that here, like, in Mexico or even in the US. And it kind of really impacted me, oh, that's beautiful. And everybody's naked. And it's not sexual. It's just like intimacy. I think that was really powerful.
Negrete: It’s hard to like, like, when you say you had an issue at first, or like, you felt uncomfortable. I still have that. Like, if you're naked, you have to, like, be sexual. I still struggle with that. So I'm working on like, you can be naked and not want to have sex, I have a lot of trauma, around sex. So I moved. And I'm working with my therapist, and he's like, you're working on your sex positivity. It's, you're working on your trauma, and you're so I, I, I'm working on it. But I still feel like when I'm naked or anything, like I have to perform, I have to do something. I can't like I still I can be. That's a beautiful moment that I want to be able to be in I mean and not I sexualing, you know.
Reynoso: It made me uncomfortable, don't get me wrong, it was hard, I mean, but the longer you were longer I was in that space like it was... and it's almost like too like when you're when you're naked in an environment where it's not sexual you're, it's like, you're more, it's more liberating, because you can just go [sighs] just be myself, fuck I don't have to be like, oh, like, comfortable. And it's kind of what it was. It was just like a bunch of people would just be naked. And bathing. I don't know, it was it was really interesting. It was really, because I can relate to that too like, I mean, when you're at the bathhouse like, I mean, and I have gone to Hawks, you know where I don't have sex with anybody. I just want to hang out. But you still like, I mean, it's comfortable. But it's still you're still in a place where sex is happening. Yeah, you know what I mean? As opposed to you're in a bathhouse where, in Japan, where people there's no sex gonna happen. It's just a community space where people are hanging out and bathing each other, just chatting and laughing and whatever.
Negrete: Yeah.
Benjamin: I loved hearing your talk about it. Cuz that's like, my favorite thing is my is like, male inti..., like, platonic male intimacy. It's so beautiful, and it's lacking in our culture. Well, I it's always good for me to hear that it's hard because so I think I take for granted my path and where I've come from. So my mother, she was shamed at a young age around sexuality. And so raising me and my sister, she made it her goal to never shame us around sex. So I was raised with a mother, like very sex positive. Right so like when she discovered I was masturbating, she never ever shamed me about it at all. She didn't necessarily I think I don't think either my parents who explained masturbation but I think they finally figured out that I was doing it and just like, let me just let me do it. Yeah. And then like being part of a faerie, kind of finding my way to a faerie community, they can, they're very body positive and very comfortable around nudity. So that really well, and then also, I was trained as a massage therapist. So I've been, you know, touching a lot of naked people in a platonic situation. And so it's, and then going to some of the nude beaches here. Like my, for me, it's about like, the liberation, the freedom just to be naked around people. And like, you know, just having conversations and eating food and playing in the water or just playing catch or just being out in the trees in the sand, right? Like, I love that. And I, somebody who I dated in the past like he, I think he has a similar story to you like he had some trauma and so he couldn't understand where I was coming from. He was like, why do you want to go to this place, you just want to go have sex or even just going to like, Common Ground, like the baths, public baths here, that are like clothing optional. Like going to those, I love it. But like hearing like his side, he just he couldn't relate to where I was coming from at all. He couldn't understand that at all. And so like I said, I just kind of take it for granted. So it's good to be reminded like, oh, not everybody's where I'm at, and that's okay. Yeah,
Reynoso: I think because... I can relate to you a ton with your experience. And I think for me, it might be like, my be going Catholic is for me, like it was different. Like my parents were like, my parents didn't shame sexuality they just, sexually didn't exist. My mom knew I was jerking off. She walked in and we didn't have a lock. So my, my, my room as a kid, it was really like a den. So I had two doors, and it was originally the den. So isn't really a room. So people would walk into my room all the time. I had no privacy.
Benjamin: Right, right,
Reynoso: Like, so I would be early in the morning be jerking off. And my mom was just walking with the clean clothes, and she knew what I was doing. But she didn't say anything. You know, and it was just like, like, fuck, I'm.... Let me do my thing, right?
Benjamin: So that seems to be kind of like, what I'm hearing is like the common thread around like your culture and sexuality. Like even like being gay. It's like there's no gay people. Like, no, obviously they're there but you're just not out. You just can't talk about it.
Negrete: And I feel like a lot of parents think like, they're trying to protect us. They're trying to like look after us 'cause they know what's going to be harder. So they're trying to like, prove that they're trying to prevent us from like, getting hurt, but they're hurting us in the process of that.
Reynoso: That’s beautifully sad.
Negrete: Yeah, so.
Reynoso: Yeah,
Negrete: Yeah.
Anonymous
I love my family and I know that they love me. I'm the firstborn and they respect me very much. They can’t take any decision without consulting me. Even when I'm here because they call me “big brother, we want to do this- want to do that”.
But, um, I'm feeling uncomfortable now growing up [older], because all of them are married, and have kids. And it's only one who doesn't have kids, but he's legally married and living with his wife. So I'm sometimes feeling uncomfortable because sometimes I don't know how to deal with the family problem, because I'm not married, I don't have family, I don't have kids. So, sometimes it’s difficult for me when they ask my advice about a problem they are facing in their family, with their wife or their husband, or kids. And it's, it's a big deal for me. And sometimes when, like my birthday comes, they say “big brother, we wish you to have a good wife, who can- who will take care of you. And we need to have nieces and nephews”. So it's not saying directly, but I feel this pressure.
My mom called me twice about homosexuality because she had an anonymous call saying “your son is gay. And people are coming to your house visiting your son. They are all gay”. So my mother called me about it. And she told me I had to be very careful about that because “you are very engaged in church. And it's not good that people hear this kind of stuff on you as you are very engaged in church.”
Sometimes, it's very difficult to talk about, about it. It lets me go to the past of my life. I have to remember some stuff, and you’re filming. Not sad, but…
You know, I know that I'm gay since I was young. But I refuse to, to tell myself the truth. So I avoid the community. I avoid to hear about homosexuality. So I, I was really happy when I noticed that I'm not alone, being in this situation. I was thinking that I’m, I'm sick and I'm not a normal person. So when I met many people, and they were very nice, and they told me that they also have the same feeling, they passed through the same ways, like struggling with their sexual orientation, I was really happy and I joined the first gay association in my country, and I was one of the founders of the association.
When I was a kid, I was really feminine. (laughter) I I used to wear women dresses and, yeah, I wear my my mom's shoes. I will tell you a story I was staying with my aunt for the holidays like about two months in her neighborhood. People there don't even know that I'm a boy because I was always in women dresses. When I was about to go back to my family because I had to start school, my aunt want to make pants for me, so she took me to the tailor. The tailor wanted to take the measurements. And if you are a girl, the way the take the measurements are different than they take from a boy, because it is not the same. (laughter) This tailor was saying to my aunt. I do not know how my aunt noticed that but she told him that “he’s not a girl, he is a boy” . “No, for a moment we thought he was a girl! Because all the time we see him wearing women’s clothing.”
All of many friends were girls because I was feeling okay being with them. And the men were my fantasy. I like a nice guy. I was closer to the girls than the boys. And the funny thing is my [boy] classmates, they were thinking that I was dating with a girls. So, so jealous that “oh, you have so many girls”. But it's not what they- what they think is wrong. I'm not having sex with the girls. We are just friends and I was happy to talk with them. I was feeling uncomfortable because they are talking about girl stuff. And I couldn't talk about this. And when I'm with the boys, I was feeling that I'm different from them. So it was hard to adjust myself in it.
I I moved because I need to save my life. I was not ready because I came here in 2014 and I was supposed to come back in 2015 and I delayed til 2016. So even when I was here, I have in my in my mind that I could stay, or I should stay. But as I say my community needs me because I was facing insecurity about my life. But as I was promoted in my in my job, I have more visibility on me. And it put more danger on my life. So I told myself “my community needs me alive [not] dead. And it would be a big loss. If, if I died like that”. I was attacked, and I had my teeth broken; they beat me. I had many verbal attacks. In my neighborhood I had to be very careful about my life. So I decided finally I need to go to any place outside my country would be better. I kept some contacts from my first visit here. And it was possible for me to have an admission letter to come back. So this, it was a hard decision to leave my community.
I was shocked when I arrived here and the first shock I had was the killings [in] Orlando.
I told my friends "have I made the the right decision to be here where somebody can go to the gay nightclub and kill so many people?”. So it's made me feel really bad because, yeah, I can't understand that in the United States the homophobic feeling can be so high that you can go to a nightclub and kill many, many many people. I told my friends in my country “oh, you are lucky to be there”, “yes, I am lucky to be here. Because I can be who I am. Anybody will not ask me about being married and having kids. Or my neighbor will not attack or verbally attack me or insult me, or seeing me wrongly. So yeah, for that I'm happy but I have to face many, many challenges”. Even having sex here is is not like at home. I play with words saying that I was in an anti-gay country and I can have sex easily. But I'm in an open country where there's no anti-gay law, but it's difficult to have to sex and to do enjoy sexuality.
So yeah, it's it's challenging. And being here seeking asylum- United States doesn’t have specific programs to help people seeking asylum. And you have to do everything on your own. You know, they don't, they don't give you housing. They don't give you even money. They don't, they don't do anything. So and the funny thing is they don't even allow you to work till you have your work permit. So how should I live without money, without food, without..?
I don't know how here, you don't have anything like that. So if they are assuming that the person who invited you to come here is supposed to take care of you, but for how long? And we know [in an] American life it’s very difficult to have dollars, so, who will spend his money on you for a year or for three years before you get your papers? Or at least you get your work permit like me, I mean, I'm here more than a year now. And I'm still waiting, waiting for my work permit. So who can take me to his house feeding me and giving me money for one year, Samuel? Is it possible? Knowing American society, are you sure that someone can do that for a whole year? So, it is difficult.
I got another promotion. The supervisor of community activities; the work I was doing til I left my country. I like to to help my community because I noticed that the country is not talking about homosexuality. The gay community is not the focus there. The education is for heterosexual [sex]. So in my community, many people don't know that if you have anal sex, you can have HIV. Because they don't have the, sorry, they don't have the information.
So people can come to my house, take lube and condoms. And I can show them how to wear a condom and how to use lubricant. And I always tell the members of my community, you can come to my house at any time. Especially I [don’t] sleep very late. So anytime can call me even if it's midnight, call me. Because I don't want you to get infected. It's one of the many reasons that I left the United States when I come to visit in 2014. That I have this call. I can't, I can't stay here, while my people are struggling, while I have so many people I need to, I need to help. I need to let them know that the information about HIV. And today, the infected people in my community is about 20%. Why in the in the general population is 2.3%? So saying that, I feel I feel like I have to cry, I have to shout. I have to tell the world that come and help us because, yeah, my community [is] dying. I lost many. I lost so many so many friends because they are infected. And it's just that they don't, they don't know, they don't know how to deal with their sexuality.
What I'm feeling is my feeling is to how to do how to help my my community back home.
Every time I'm thinking about this: how? What can I do to help my community? The difference is choice in the bed. Yeah, I choose to go to bed with a man and you choose to go to bed with a woman. But I have brain I have blood. Red blood. I have a heart.